So, I've taken quite the hiatus from writing. Mostly because I began law school, moved back home with my parents, ended and began 2 separate relationships, and have been generally disinterested in chronicling anything. I also deleted past posts and have decided to make this whole thing a wee bit more private/ambiguous. Obviously, if you know me, you know what's up.

So the rant of the day has to do with threesomes.

I am not exactly closeted and I do enjoy a good drink or seven. But recently I have been propositioned by two separate men with girlfriends in what can only be described as an entirely unwanted and offensive experience. One of these gentlemen was a guy I actually enjoy a lot, generally, and I know he meant no disrespect.

Listen, I am not a man-hating gay. I have two brothers, love my dad, love my dog, have a shit ton of bros that I totally adore, and regularly discuss sex tips and preferences re: females with random men I meet at bars. No shame, no game. If you want to know, out of curiosity and not condescension, how I "boned" that girl without a bone, I will probably tell you. If you want to know what the primary sex act is for lesbians, I will present my thesis with a full question and answer section. But I need to give you a heads up:

If you catch my staring at your girlfriend or glancing at her a few times, here is what is happening:
-I think she has a cute outfit on and am engaged in an inner battle about my ability to pull it off
-I am wondering if she's that girl who sits behind my in my Torts class
-I am disgusted by her bronzer
-I have something stuck in my contact and am looking 'round willy nilly
-She keeps sending me bitch face and I'm assessing the likelihood of me winning in a barfight
-I am mentally comparing my body/face/outfit/hair to hers
-I think she's super pretty and I'm jealous


Sad, but true. I really am that boring/shallow. I am not mentally fucking her.

THE EXCEPTIONS:
-We are at a gay bar. Then, sir, wtf are you doing bringing your girlfriend in these here parts? I don't want to fuck you both, just her please.
-She is gay. G-g-g-gay. Like, wearing flannel. Again, wtf are you doing dating such a closet case? I'll take her off your hands, if she's cute. If she ain't, I am just....stunned and confused. Staring like you two are the train wreck that you clearly are.

Look, I don't chase straight girls. I've "turned" a few in my day, but that is context based. The only "straight" girls I've ever messed with were gay girls who were in the closet. And they were hockey-playing, rugby-watching, sweatpant-wearing homos who grew up in W.VA or had pastors for parents that precluded them from flying the rainbow flag. I was not snatching them from your warm, masculine embrace.

The other exception is the gaggle of straight girls I've kissed in drunken gigglefests of my friends, where irony rules and no boyfriends are around. This either occurred between me and my bffs, while studying abroad in the CR, or while attending Smith College. So again, you were not involved whatsoever.

Alright? Great. Glad we cleared that shit up. No hard feelings.